A drive
The process of going nowhere in particular in the car
Byte
An unpleasant wound usually inflicted by a Jack Russel
Megabyte
As above but more generally inflicted by a crocodile
Kilobyte
To be avoided at all costs
C
The first step in writing words such as “cat”, “cabbage” and “canary”
C+
A C that always gets ‘A’s
C++
A C that always gets ‘A’s and still remains popular
CAD
An absolute bounder
CGI
A C that didn’t get any grades and ended up in the army
CGI script
Prescribed dialogue for CGIs who are not allowed to speak for themselves
CGI bin
The last resting place for most CGIs
Cursor
One who responds to error messages with profanities
Desktop
The top of a desk
Digital information
A finger gesture accompanied by the command: “Spin on this!”
Defragmentation
Something computer buffs like to do from time to time for no particular reason
Disk memory
Recollection of the things we used before MP3s
Edit
What Ian Hislop does in his spare time
Edit-Undo
What the Private Eye production team have to do when Ian’s gone home.
Emulation
The sincerest form of flattery
Error message
Your computer’s way of reminding you that it is smarter than you are.
Extended memory
Remembering what you had for breakfast yesterday.
F-key
A key that one cannot find. See also Effing key and F***ing key
Female connector
A dating agency for lesbians
Fields
Large areas of land that contain little but grass and, occasionally, cows.
Files
Used to repair keyboard damage to fingernails
File folder
See Uri Geller
Floppy disk
A disk prior to taking Viagra
FTP
The sound a file makes when you try to upload it.
Function
A gathering of people with whom you would not normally associate.
Garbage characters
The people your mother always told you to avoid.
GUI
A state of icky-stickiness
Hard disk
A disk after taking Viagra
Hyperlink
A link with a severe caffeine OD
IBM
Archaic term for computers
Input
A polite request for an error message
Internet
A system by which researchers kill several hours before going to the library
ISP
A dyslexic attempt at a colloquialism for ‘urine’
Jack
The man who does the plumbing and other odd jobs around the place.
Java
A holiday destination for those with an adventurous spirit and an armed tour guide.
Keyboard
A tool for mis-spelling words in common usage
Laptop
An extremely popular dance in Thailand
Log on
A boastful term for an erection
Macintosh
See ‘raincoat’
Memory errors
Wachamacllits.... you know.... wassnames.
Microsoft
A problem not even Viagra can solve.
Mouse
A small rodent
Mouse ball
The part of a mouse to grab if you want its heart and mind to follow
Mouse cursor
A foul-mouthed rodent
Mouse icon
A small portrait of the Patron Saint of rodents
Mouse pad
A snazzy apartment for batchelor rodents
Mouse port
A fortified wine popular among rodents
Network
General repair jobs done during the slack season in the fishing industry.
Online
A gathering place for loud birds at 5.00am.
Output
A dyslexic attempt at writing ‘potato’
PC virus
A viral infection that avoids minority groups
Pentium
A popular tourist attraction in Athens
Phone Jack
What to do when the plumbing goes wrong or odd jobs need doing.
Pie chart
The top 100 pastry polls of which steak & kidney is currently No. 5
Plug & play
A popular form of vibrator
Power strip
A performance guaranteed to create a few log-ons
PPTP
A common response to phrases such as: “You wanna come back to my place an’ jump on my bones?” and usually results in spilling your Martini over your shirt.
QWERTY
The feeling you’re left with after an alarming PPTP experience.
RAM chips
A crude method of eating French fried potatoes.
ROM
A traditional gypsy
Serial mouse
A popular rodent soap opera
Terminator
A rather unwelcome visitor
USENET
A good way of catching fish
Web mail
How garden spiders correspond with each other
Web address
Where the postspider delivers the web mail
Windows operating system
Often called a ‘hinge’
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